Stream of Consciousness

I feel like I lost track of myself.

I feel like I’ve minimized the impact of the last year, internally and externally.

I sometimes bury small things I need because my big picture is so big and difficult I can’t bring myself to be deserving of small things.

I can’t be my old self and I worked so hard on her, and I liked her so much, and that’s disappointing.

Where I’m at now I don’t know who I’ll be and that’s intimidating. I feel small again, I need to find my confidence, independence, and boundaries. I am in control of myself and how this life I’ve given plays out. I’m not just a passive pleasing bystander.

My physical appearance is a tremendous mental issue. Bigger than can be understood, or I can explain. It’s enormously impactful.

I need to stop allowing things to hurt me that I can’t change. I need to stop harboring things that hurt me, even if they’re true. I need to find a process to let go of the things that live in the background that I don’t want to be there. I need to erase doubt that’s been placed in me by anyone other than myself.

Revisionist history is a huge problem for me. I cannot let something rest when it’s intentionally incorrect or knowingly manipulated. I can’t clear it because it’s not honest or right. I need to find a way to make that happen, to find a release when that happens that allows me to know it’s wrong but also not harbor it.

I need to learn that fair isn’t always possible. Fair just isn’t going to happen sometimes. “That’s not right” is sometimes met with “Oh well”. My sense of inner right and wrong needs a middle ground.

I need to let go of the person that see’s things in such matter of fact ways. I need to grow comfortable with that emotion brings different responses. Some of them I feel embarrassed by, some I don’t like, many I just don’t like seeing myself reflected in. I don’t get to choose to be only practical and logical anymore, however I need to find balance I’m comfortable with. It’s taking more time than I anticipated.

I can’t deal with or express the anger quite yet, there’s a block to it. I’ll get there.

I feel like I’m admitting more to myself, and despite the challenges, I’m coming back to find the pieces of me I want to pick up and use to assemble my new self.