That Girl

I was very confident at the start of my relationship that I could easily not be *that girl*. That girl that’s jealous, somewhat restricting, insecure about things that happen. One that takes things away or maybe puts someone in a position where it’s easier to *just not*. At the beginning it was very easy, I applied my usual logic to everything and it was fine. Logic overcame insecurity, I could make things make sense. I’m not saying I’m *that girl*, I don’t do most of that. However moving farther into love makes that logic vs emotion boundary much more difficult.

Quite frankly I do think it’s the one and only thing that I really dislike about being in a relationship. When I feel jealousy, or have intrusive irrational thoughts, I feel shame and anger towards myself. It’s an automatic response. It’s something I so badly do not want to be, a road I never wanted to go down. It’s happened multiple times and in retrospect I feel honestly ridiculous, every time. To the point where some days (today) it comes back to the forefront of my mind and I spend time genuinely thinking about how I could and would go back and change my reactions, my responses, the words I chose. I don’t think this aspect of relationship-ing will ever sit right with me, but I understand it’s not a part I can avoid.