Maybe

I think maybe I need to reframe my mindset. I have not experienced anything like what I’m going through before. Some days I want to scream at everyone “Do you KNOW how BAD this really is?!”, knowing full well they can’t and it’s not their fault. It’s like being trapped, alone in a space where all you can do is hear your incessant thoughts. So you work with them. “Be more positive” turns to “no be logical, less emotional”, back to “just try harder, you’re stronger than this”. The fact is though, I can overcome a lot of things, I have overcome experiences most people will never have in their lifetime, but I just can’t seem to try hard enough with this. I can understand at this point why people in isolation go crazy, because even in an isolation that provides comforts, the result is the same. It creates an emotional bog you can’t climb out of, feelings, thoughts, noise all the damn time. I feel crazy because of it.

So, how to reframe? I need to let go of the impotent frustration that no one can understand me or what I’m feeling. They can’t, period, it’s not their fault. The depth, the isolation, the recovery, the setbacks, the length it’s gone on, isn’t a daily crisis or torture for anyone but me and it shouldn’t be. It has consumed me and that’s my only reality.

I need to let go of that everything is going to be okay, find a middle ground of that it’s not okay right now and I can’t change that.

I NEED to stop with the constant self censure that I’m not who I was, I’m not dealing with it as well as I used to, that I need to be better than whatever I am in this moment. I don’t even know what the barometer is and I’m sure I’m not reaching it. I need to stop going back and forth daily with “I’m the strongest, I’m the most logical” to “I’m emotional and crazy”.

I’d like to be one person, with a middle ground. Maybe. If I can.